Shining Time Station

My sister in law recently posted a blog entry about the MTV show "If You Really Knew Me", and then continues on to post unknown facts about herself. I thought it was good, and insightful. I am often reluctant to share the personal and emotional details of myself or my life on my blog, because I'm not ready to be quite so personal on the very public internet. But, I figure - why not? So, I'll add my "If You Really Knew Me" segment to my blog as well. Even though it makes me nervous.

If you really knew me...... You'd know that I am torn between a place I yearn for and people I yearn for. My family is here in AZ, and I yearn for my family and friends here, but I yearn also for New York. I wish I could reconcile the two and take all the people I love to NY with me and never look back and live the rest of our life there. Not gonna happen. When we lived in New York I really felt like I finally fit in and belonged somewhere.

If you really knew me..... You'd know that while right now I am a reserved and private and instrospective person, I used to be an extrovert who wasn't shy and wasn't afraid of anything. A very bad experience with a stalker and I underwent a massive change. I sometimes wish the the extrovert was still around, but I haven't seen her for a while. I'm still learning to accept myself for who I am and who I want to be, and not focus on who I used to be and am not anymore.

If you really knew me..... You'd know that I get overly suspicious and almost paranoid of people who stare at me or my children for too long. Sounds weird, I know. It stems from the paragraph above, so just go with it.

If you really knew me..... You'd know I am mortified by Glenn Beck

If you really knew me..... You'd know that sometimes I actually feel pretty and like the way I look, until I see a picture that someone has tagged of me me on facebook.....and I jump right back into the intense emotional roller coaster that is trying to lose weight, and trying to love the way I look in spite of everything. Otherwise I would never get the courage to leave the house. Some days I don't.

If you really knew me......You'd know that my husband gets the credit for being the smarty pants and the brains in our family. However I am smart too, and can hold my own in any intellectual debate with my husband or anyone else any day. I'm just reserved and don't feel the need to show it off.

If you really knew me..... You'd know that I have a very kind heart and wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose, and I have an intense love for people. All kinds. I love to be around people, even if I'm not the one talking. I just love to be in the middle of a big crowd, and just be quiet. One of the reasons why I was so in love with New York. The diversity. I LOVE diversity. It's one of the most beautiful things about people and the rest of God's creations. I think I have been blessed with a special gift to appreciate and see it. For which I am very grateful.

If you really knew me......You'd know that I talk to myself out loud and call myself "Johnson". Before I got married I called myself "Jamesey".

If you really knew me..... You'd know I struggle not to be a music snob.

If you really knew me..... You'd know that I get incensed at conservative fanatics, and I despise conservative based political agenda pushing email forwards and no matter who they are from they will not be opened and will immediately be deleted. However, I am not likely to ever get very deep into a political "discussion" in person to discuss my feelings.

If you really knew me...... You'd know that I love to have friends, I need them, and I love to laugh, but I struggle to start conversations for fear that someone might find me boring.

If you really knew me...... You'd know that I can't get enough of 9/11 documentaries.

If you really knew me......You'd know that I believe in ghosts and grew up in a haunted house. And I am not afraid of the dark or ghosts. It's the people living and what they do to each other who scare the crap out of me.

If you really knew me..... You'd know that I am fiercely stubborn and independent and will stand up against injustice. And I am very strong. And at the same time can get my feelings hurt very easily. But I am also quick to forgive and move on.

If you really knew me..... You'd know that I have fought several times a fierce and nearly debilitating battle with OCD and I could actually BE on one of those "OCD" documentary shows on tv. If you knew the inner workings of my OCD, you'd likely be shocked. But you'd also know that I am an OCD success story. And I am strong and know that I can do anything now because of it. I know I can overcome anything now. Even if it takes a while.

If you really knew me..... you'd know that I worry that I am too selfish, too offensive, or too fat, or too awkward.

If you really knew me...... you'd know that I really do believe I have the most amazing husband in the world, and I really do know how lucky and blessed I am. Even though he annoys me sometimes. :)

If you really knew me......You'd know that my favorite smells are rain on hot dirt, comet bathroom cleanser, and laundry detergent.

If you really knew me...... You'd know I'm actually a very funny person when I'm really comfortable where I am.....and I can actually be pretty irreverant. I have to keep it in check.

If you really knew me...... You'd know I don't want my husband to buy me flowers. I'd rather he just go on a walk with me instead.

If you really knew me..... you'd know I have an intense fear of my teeth falling out.

If you really knew me..... you'd know that I am terrified of public speaking because it draws attention to me. But I have no fears of singing in public because it is one of the things I am very confident about.

If you really knew me..... you'd know that i struggle to share my feelings through talking and speaking. I try and I do it, but it takes a while and it's difficult. I'm much better sharing them through writing.

If you really knew me...... you'd know that I almost can't handle it when someone is mad at me and I will lose several night's sleep over it. It's the worst feeling in the world. Right up there with being ignored.

If you really knew me..... You'd know it takes quite a while to really know me, but it's worth it.