Well, as some of you know, I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), and if you didn't know - you do now! I'm going to give you a sneak peak of what it's like inside my head on a bad day. don't worry, it's not contageous and can be quite humorous. At least that's how Jeff and I have decided to handle it.
First - a little education. OCD is a neurological disorder in the brain. I have a permanent hamster on a wheel inside my head. I get crazy random weird things that pop into my head - like everyone else. Only mine are 30 times more vivid, and they don't go away, and I run that poor hamster in my brain practically to death. It's beyond being a worry wart.
You know those people you see who have to wash their hands a million times a day? Yeah. OCD. Those people who will only walk a certain number of steps every day or else some earthquake will hit some remote part of the world - yeah. OCD. I've come a long way in this adventure. Or those people who have to sanitize the kitchen completely several times a day or else salmonella will get in their kids cheerios and they'll end up in the hospital. OCD.
It strikes when I am stressed or haven't had enough sleep. I've been stressed. And I haven't had enough sleep. So things have gotten interesting. It sounds a little like this..
Kim: Carrie, see this tiny pin prick hole in my plum?
Carrie (friend at work) : where?
Kim: right there.
Carrie: Okay I guess so.
Kim: Does that look like someone poked my plum to you?
Carrie: What are you talking about?
Kim: - you know, injected botulism, or poison..... or something.....
Carrie: I don't know. Why don't you take a bite and let's find out.
Today Jeff and I found a new way of dealing with my OCD. I recently had a root canal. Then I had to have it redone. Today we were driving and I said ...
Kim: Jeff, my tooth hurts.
Jeff: I'm sorry.
Kim: Jeff, what if they have to pull my tooth? What if they pull my tooth and then they find out that it's really not that tooth, but it's really the teeth on the side of it, and they pull those teeth too.... then I can't have a bridge because I'll have lost all my molars on the top on that side, and so they'll have to fit me with a partial denture..... and I'm so young.... what if they fit me with a denture because I've lost my teeth and I get so depressed about losing all my teeth that I get suicidal?? (I know this sounds comepletely irrational and totally ludicrous to you my fine readers - but OCD is definitely NOT the logical person's thorn in the side. I know it's stupid. But I can't help it.)
Jeff cracked up laughing. When he was done:
Jeff:Whoa! That was totally impressive!! That's like "Six degrees from Kevin Bacon on OCD!!" That train of logic was great! This is fun. Let's play again. Let's call it Six degrees from the Spirit World. Let's try 'What if we run out of food storage' Ready...... GO.
Kim: Well first we have to make sure we have enough duct tape and tin foil.
Jeff:Huh? Why?
Kim: Well the power plant would have blown up and we have to seal up our house.
Jeff: Tin foil isn't going to help with nuclear fallout.
Kim: Oh. Tin foil is to reflect the sun. That's right. My bad. Okay we need to buy plastic sheeting and lots and lots of duct tape. But then none of that is going to help if we don't have enough food storage.... we'll have to go get more when we run out and there won't be more1 so either we starve or....
Jeff: We have duct tape.
Kim: Okay.... Jeff, do you think we should go buy some plastic sheeting? Jeff? But what about my tooth?
......
Kim Jeff..... but seriously. What if they pull all of my teeth.....
Jeff: And you get a flesh eating bacteria because it will never heal....
Kim: Can you get that in your mouth? My grandma totally died of that! It'll get in my bloodstream go straight to my heart and BOOM. I'm gone. All because of a failed root canal.
I'm sure all of this sounds really strange to you guys, but this is the game we play when I have a bad OCD day, and we end up laughing like crazy, and it gets me through and I'm okay. I can't sit and stew and be upset. I have to laugh at it because even though it's incredibly painful for me, and I sometimes think its a curse, other times it's completely hilarious and provides endless hours of entertainment when it's made into a game. :)
So that's my day today.
Music
I read NieNie
Me n my Love
James Harris
Thomas Maxwell
Laela Yeteive
My Favorite picture of Jeff
"You're my favorite..."
I"m a snap dragon!
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I am a |
9 comments:
It doesn't sound strange at all! I have thoughts like that all the time. Totally random things sometimes, and then other specific things like worrying about things I said, or wrote, worrying that I didn't communicate properly, knowing I talk too much when I'm nervous and wishing I could just shut-up and be calm most of the time instead of internally berating myself, etc... This is something that waxes and wanes, depending on my stress and anxiety levels. After working on distancing myself from my former caretaking/ codependency tendencies I now really need to read "Brain Lock" and start to understand how to deal with my obsessive worrying and subsequent negative internal dialogue. It's very comforting to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. :) Thank you for being such a good example to me. My love to you, sister-friend!
I have a fellow OCD-er!!! Okay, so mine may not be as bad as yours, but it's close. I remember vividly walking to school as a kid and if one foot stepped over the cracks in the cement more than the other I would have to stop and change my pace. Or when doing dishes I have a certain order that they are done in, and all the cups or plates that are the same have to be lined up next to one another....
the lists of craziness could go on. Pregnancy has enhanced this in me too. Whenever I have a breakdown it happens most often when there is any sort of clutter. I feel like my world is spinning out of control when there is clutter. Lame, I know.
Crazy Beautiful Kimberly Lael...wouldn't change you for all the carmel chocolate candy in the world!
I love how unique each of us are. Having schizophrenia can take you on a fun ride, too. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with that for 3 1/2 years. Now it's just battling depression every once in awhile. I'm glad you can make a game of it and laugh things off. I need to find a way to laugh off sad days. I don't care for those. I know it's normal to be sad when sad things happen, but not to be sad for no reason. Gotta find something, like on those days I need to grab a friend and go play at the park or something? Or just let it pass with time! And know the sun will come out again.
I think I get my OCD from Lucy!!! Just kidding, Lucy. I really have OCD, and you can pass it on to your children. Amber is overly OCD. Gotta love her!! At least OCD people have neat and tidy homes. I have to hang all of my clothes in color order in my closet, and in my kids closets, too. Shoes have to be lined up, and drawers have to have folded clothes, not rumpled things. I do let my kids have one drawer to throw junk into, but even that has to be cleaned out, when they are in school, and out of the house. I guess my family has learned to live with me.
I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only it's in alphabetical order-- the way it should be.
hey chica, how are you? its great to see your blog updates. I found your OCD post interesting, because I always thought you went at 100 miles an hour (mentally) and I was always trying to catch up with you! :) Everything can be a strength and a weakness, n'est-ce pas? take care.
Yeah!! I love random thought processes! Just think...you'll be the best prepared mormon mom out there after the world implodes and I'll be sure to come over to share some of that duct tape. And I promise i won't laugh at your bridge...
Like two peas in a pod! Kim...I love ya!
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